Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
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Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
Excuse me sir, are you going to finish that existential crisis?
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.