Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
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Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
What makes us human?
Selecting all images with traffic lights
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.