Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
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How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
*walking into someone’s house with healthy, thriving houseplants everywhere*
Me: Oh, I see you dabble in witchcraft.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
idk if im pregnant or what but i been craving 3 million dollars so bad
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
