Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
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kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
It turns out when someone asks who your favorite child is, you’re supposed to choose from your own. I know that now.
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
Sometimes I read the stupidest shit in here then realize I wrote it
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.