Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
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I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed