“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
You Might Also Like
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
Today I’m going to give it my almost
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
Dune is timeless because its message resonates with everyone who, in order to get the job they want, had to “ride” a “giant worm”
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
Living the best life.. 😊