“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
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Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
Des Moines Police having a normal one
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
Helping in the kitchen this morning. So far I’ve used 467 paper towels
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia