“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
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“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
How can you tell baby kangaroos apart when they’re all named Joey?
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
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my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:![]()
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
A completely valid reaction tbh
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”