Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pikachu found the lost joint

Interior design 👌

Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍

Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.

Me: When can you operate?

*lighting a candle*

Doctor: When we find you a new liver.

Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍

me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him

St. Peter: then what happened

*Walks in late to dinner*

I see fed people.

Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.

Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.

I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.

i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives

Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?

Me: Yes, thanks.

My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.

[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]

breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title

My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.

My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.

Snots fired.

My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails

Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.

Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic

Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”

God: your name is Owl.

Owl: who?

God: you. your name is Owl.

Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.

God: ok then state your name.

Owl: your name lol.

God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.

Owl: who?

I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.

Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?

Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!

What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.

Thank you, Internet.

Thank you.

When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.

The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.

He scratches his head… I scratch mine.

He touches his chest… I touch mine.

He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.

. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.

I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.

my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy