Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.

I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.

There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button

when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”

her: this is the worst date EVER

me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit

I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.

Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?

Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.

“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.

[sitting on the deck with my son]

Me: look son, everything the light touches-

Son: yes dad?

Me: -you have to mow.

5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.

Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?

I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.

Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*

Boss: did you turn your office into a ball pit?

Me [rising from the bottom of the ball pit] this could’ve been an email

i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud

cracking the ice cubes out probably feels so good for the ice tray

Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx

Me: whaddu mean “no”

Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”

Why is every bar trivia host hell bent on asking questions that I can’t the answer? Like I literally know the answers to sooo many questions and I could prove it if only they gave me a goddamn chance

Every
Single
Year

It’s been six months since my last haircut. It might be time to close my barbershop.

who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.

Are you Eminem?

Let’s find out…

“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer

Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?

3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*

Me:

Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”

This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.

a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!

“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”

15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now