Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
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[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
Someday I’m gonna open a pawn shop and blow everyone’s mind when I only sell rooks, bishops and knights.
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.