@DanMentos

“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?

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@notacroc

Therapist: what’s upsetting you?

Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly

Me: cry me a table, Linda

@Marlebean

[In the middle of nowhere]

4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”

… yes

“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”

@BoogTweets

Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations

Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.

@just1fool

Someday I’m gonna open a pawn shop and blow everyone’s mind when I only sell rooks, bishops and knights.

@Jake_Vig

In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”

@OhNoSheTwitnt

If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?

@bencoffeehall

I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.

@sad_tree

[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*

@AmishPornStar1

Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.