“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
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Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
Dyslexics are teople poo!
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
live long and prosper!
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
When your best mate counts as a desk too
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”