Your soulmate is too smart to date you
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*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
interviewer: why are there so many huge gaps on your resume
me: honestly i’m still sorta figuring out microsoft word
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
