Your soulmate is too smart to date you
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Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
“HingeX subscribers go on 3x more dates” cool so what is 0 times 3
There are two types of people in politics. Avoid them.
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
God has left this place
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
what’s the point of liking a tweet if someone who is infatuated with me can’t see it and analyse what it means
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
It’s World Chocolate Day, and the latest research into human longevity shows that eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine can significantly increase your chances of enjoying yourself while you’re still here
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong