Your soulmate is too smart to date you
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I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
Always a metermaid never a meter
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
I just heard my husband quietly say to the baby, “you are really cute . . . do you think we’re cute too?”
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
I’m pretty like a car crash.
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room