Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
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there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
War & Peace
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
It’s not my fault that the Ouija Board always says, “you guys should order a large pizza” every time I play.
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
? 💀
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
Hooters is shutting down a lot of locations, which is very shocking, but even more surprising that an owl themed restaurant lasted that long.
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.