your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
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That very depressing moment when you find out the fire alarm that went off at work was just a test
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
Breaking news:
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
It’s 9:00 p.m. And an ice cream truck just blew past my house . Doesn’t he know I can’t run that fast
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
