Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.

After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.

At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.

CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.

Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath

Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?

When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt

Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.

The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.

5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?

*racks the chamber*

Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you

Me: *sighing* again?

Boss: again

Me: *spins his chair*

Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee

the FOLD cycle on my clothes dryer isn’t working

[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]

“I know you’re not really an armadillo”

STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.

An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.

Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???

Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.

Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.

The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up

If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation

The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80

Alexa; make it look like an accident

A manager I worked with when I worked in fast food told us.
There was this one kid who didn’t show up for work. He ditched work often, so the manager called around, and couldn’t get anyone to fill in his shift, so she had to fill it for him.
A few hours into his shift, the dude ditching SHOWS UP, with his friends, and orders food from that manager. She fired him on the spot

when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”

We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around

*brings knife to gunfight*

*knife used to cut pizza*

*pizza served & differences resolved*

*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*

In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.

Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.

Me: *curling my hair*

Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.

I’m like a potato because I’m:

-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter

Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.

ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is

not to brag, but mine was free