Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
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Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
-Do you have this t-shirt on large
-Sir, it’s a yard sale
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
Threatening to send my cat to Ohio if she doesn’t stop shredding my paper towels.
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
How it started: No kicking balls in the house!
How it’s going: Just do it in the hallway where you can’t break anything.
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
Can’t believe it’s 2024 and the only options napkin dispensers offer are one shredded napkin or 20 napkins.
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]