Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
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Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
You are what you delete.
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?