“Your tattoos will look dumb when you’re older” buddy, I look dumb right now. My tattoos have a lot of catching up to do
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I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
Tonight I will make history!
Turns off incognito mode
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
Want to try some vegetable chips? They don’t taste as good as potato chips, but on the plus side, they’re way more expensive.