“Your tattoos will look dumb when you’re older” buddy, I look dumb right now. My tattoos have a lot of catching up to do
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[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
Enjoy visiting French vineyards? Then our flight school might be just what you’re looking for.
