Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
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me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
my powerpoints are getting increasingly desperate as the semester goes on
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans