she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
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Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*