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once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
23. the denim jacket
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
Sometimes, I have to remind myself that just because my 13yo is much taller than me doesn’t mean he’s in charge.
RT if you could go either way.
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
My yoga studio has two rooms so there’s a power yoga class at the same time as prenatal. And today the power yoga teacher didn’t show up so uh shout out to all the guys who joined in pregnancy yoga and did fantastic. welcome to your pelvic floor
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the lightsaber at home tomorrow