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Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
I’m concerned about the environmental impact of driverless cabs. A greener option is a riderless bicycle. I’ve already got one of those in my shed.
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
dead inside
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
