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Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
My brain when someone says something shitty to me: ok 😔
My brain when I’m trying to fall asleep 3 months later: Know what you could’ve said? bro you are not gonna believe this, it’s perfect. But actually if you don’t like that one, I came up with 17 other options ok ready
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
Remember to not aim fireworks at anyone unless it’s that person who keeps microwaving fish at the office
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
So wait, witch. You’re telling me I should only drive a stick?
OK Broomer
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]