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Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
is this how new cars are made??
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Autocorrect is my menesis
Alexa: *deep breath*
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.