Your Time On Earth Is Limited. Donβt Try To βAge With Grace,β Age With Mischief, Audacity, And A Good Story To Tell.πππ»ββοΈππ»π¬π§π»
You Might Also Like
Some women seated next to me are gossiping in French, they obviously think Iβm some dumb American who doesnβt speak French and they are correct
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he canβt even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I donβt need any Iβm just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that itβs the one i was born on
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
March 16
BOSS: This is hard to sayβ¦we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying βthatβs your momβs side of the familyβ
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
me: Iβm going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: Iβm going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
Getting out of bed should count as resistance training
Friend: I feel like half of the country is upset about the election.
Me: (knowing how votes work) slightly less than half.
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling