Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.

[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?

Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.

I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.

It was a twerk-place injury.

INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?

ME: ʸᵉˢ

INTERVIEWER: holy shit

I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle

Nigella has gone too far this time.

my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works

this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy

wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!

If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.

I bet your first day as a bullfighter they start you off by fighting a really rare steak.

I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.

Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.

Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?

Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!

Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.

Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game

This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.

I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.

if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it

Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.

google ai LOVES to step in when it sees “vs” and will try its hardest to compare whatever you throw at it

[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK

Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead

This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.

It doesn’t really matter who wins today as long as both candidates tried their best and had fun.

Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.

Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears

Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.

I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.

As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.

As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??

My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.

Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.