Your Time On Earth Is Limited. Don’t Try To “Age With Grace,” Age With Mischief, Audacity, And A Good Story To Tell.😉💂🏻♀️👋🏻🇬🇧🍻
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I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
Absolutely fucking crushed it on teams today lads
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
A mustache is just mouth bangs.
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.