Your Time On Earth Is Limited. Don’t Try To “Age With Grace,” Age With Mischief, Audacity, And A Good Story To Tell.😉💂🏻♀️👋🏻🇬🇧🍻
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it’s finally my moment to shine
This is Chance. He’s just been entrusted with his first strawberry. Very honored. Will take care of it forever. 12/10
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
Best sidewalk sandwich board ad I’ve ever seen.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
what do you want!!!!!!!!
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
Stop blaming others for your mistakes.
Study feng shui and blame the furniture
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.