Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?

Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.

Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?

M: Yup

B: What did you eat?

M: 17 beers

B: …

– Hello, RSPCA.
– Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
– I don’t believe you.
– Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.

Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.

I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER

I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”

My kid told me that school today was “bad” and “sooo boring” and all because a teacher said he wasn’t allowed to catch lizards at recess

Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”

Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:

Commit Fraud

You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.

Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.

Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.

*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*

Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string

Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.

H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.

Me: *giggles

7: You guys are being weird again.

ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now

FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—

ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all

hotel guest: what room am I in?

me: this is the lobby

manager: can I talk to you

You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?

[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?

“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”

“I’ve said too much already.“

“All you did was blink.”

“Yeah, but twice.”

The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.

please don’t invite me over if you have a leather couch that’s peeling. i will peel it some more when you’re not looking

Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings

Neighbor: What are you doing?

Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?

Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox

The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…

Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?

When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.

Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time

To every YT creator out there
Never put text on the bottom..
Biggest mistake in my life.

Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.