Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral

FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate

Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.

Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK

boss: hi

me: *pretends to read an email*

boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”

You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?

I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.

Me: *all four burners going, two pots boiling over, oven beeping, being burned by grease splatter*

8yo: Mom!! You’re not even watching my cartwheel!

Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?

Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.

suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”

I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.

For being the most motivated sperm,

Some of us have really tapered off.

Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.

WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.

Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.

I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.

Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.

“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores

TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD

ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.

NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.

God: you’re really fast.

Deer: ok.

God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-

Deer: run away right?

God: no, just [freezes in place].

Deer: got it wait-what?

God: you know just [freezes in place again].

“Scalpel.”

“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”

“If Affleck can be Batman…”

“Fair enough. Scalpel.”

[When my kids have ignored my text for 2 hours]

Me: I would appreciate a reply, please.

[When I have ignored my kids’ texts for more than 5 seconds]

Kids:
hello??
??
??
???
pls
plss
wya
??
???
BRO

The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.

He gets that from his mother.

Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop

Brands during Pride

BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.

contortionist: what’s wrong?

proctologist: your head’s in the way

Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???

Me: Mum was I adopted?

Mum: Yes, but they gave you back

[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.

“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”

OH COME ON