Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?

DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.

Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.

“Aaaaaaaaand done!”

-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions

After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.

Bartender: what’ll it be?

Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet

If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water

A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance

13: Want to drive me to school?

Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.

13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.

Me: It’s not on the way.

13: I’ll pay.

Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.

I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.

Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!

*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*

6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥

Kids are like magicians cause they make all the cups and chargers disappear.

Bit chilly again tonight.

[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers

[CSI at Starbucks]

“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”

Barista: At what?

“At large”

At what?

“At venti?”

OMG HOW AWFUL!!!

me

SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York

ME: It’s The Hudson

HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.

WIFE: Oh ffs

“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”

The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.

me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me

How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?

Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind

This classic never gets old . . .

If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.

I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips

Nobody:

Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”

There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.

If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”

I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.

New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.

Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries