Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*

When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered

i was negotiating with a big but troublesome customer once about a project they wanted us to give them a schedule for without any sort of financial commitment. after a few back and forths where they weren’t getting what they wanted, they tried a new tack:

“well let’s pretend we give you guys the go ahead. what would the release date be then?”

me: “well in that case we’d pretend to give you a release date.”

there was a few moments of silence. i wasn’t invited back to future calls.

Women’s Magazines:

Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.

Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.

People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.

Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.

My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.

Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:

– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle

I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?

“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.

What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.

Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????

People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor

Body: ok sleepy time.

Brain: ok thinky time.

Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.

Me: You just sat on my glasses.

Husband: *Stands up* What?

Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?

Falls for it every time.

I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭

Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive

Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals

her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin

me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard

me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry

her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-

me: I mean I’ll do anything

her: I just said you can lis-

me: anything at all

Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it

i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on

History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud

Professor X: So what’s your power?

Me: I can heal immediately-

X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.

Me: -from any emotional wounds.

X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.

Me: I’m completely ok with that.

Me: I’m going to shower

6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!

Me: Aw, than-

6: just some make up would help

[first day as a mover]

boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.

me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S

My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them

Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.

A Parenting Mad Lib:

Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!