Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one

My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy

The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.

“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”

“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”

I went to clean my kids bathroom and I’m 99% sure they shoot their toothpaste out of a cannon

I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.

Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”

Me: Did you watch it?

Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.

One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.

Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.

Him: do you believe in miracles?

Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?

Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—

Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so

Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.

Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon

The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:

1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..

Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.

I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.

Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.

how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy

Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks

How do you tell the gender of an ant?

Put it in water.

If it sinks, girl ant.

If it floats…

“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?

My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.

Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard

Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.

If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.

My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.

They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:

You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.

Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.

Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*

Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE

Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.

mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes

kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*