Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes

[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]

*leans in for a kiss*

DENTIST: stop that

In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume

I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.

Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?

Me: Setting fire to the house?

I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.

My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.

Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?

Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.

[cute guy approaches at bar]

Him: Hey can I…

Me: [blushing] Yes?

Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.

One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile

Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…

my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town

3: Please move

Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English

3: Woof Woof

If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?

Taco bail.

Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.

Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…

why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free

we had to replace our dishwasher a few months ago and i genuinely had to argue with the store that i wanted the stupidest machine they had. there is not a single situation in the world in which my dishwasher needs wifi

Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”

There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy

Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?

I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.

My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.

How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?

A tractor.

Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.

Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream

I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.

– me flirting

[on shark tank]

Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change

Baby shark: I’m out

Mommy shark: I’m out

Daddy shark: …Go on

Boss: What are you doing?

Me: Paperwork and shit

Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone

Me: I said “and shit”