Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
Me: I am a goddess. I was born for greatness. I will paint these shutters myself.
Me halfway up a 20-foot ladder: I am a land mammal. I was born with gravity. I will pay someone else to paint these shutters.
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
Potatoes were such a good idea
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
