The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
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choose your fighter
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
who wore it better?
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.