Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”

[breakfast in hell]

STALIN: Toast is burnt

POL POT: Eggs are rotten

HITLER: I hate the juice

STALIN: Oh here we go

HITLER: I said JUICE

the duality of man

accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted

[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?

definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life

This is why I hate group projects

I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.

No YOU’VE been drinking.

wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual

wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range

Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it

Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.

If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.

Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues

[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it

ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity

ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot

Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?

The baby cheese crust.

A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”

I put her in my pocket and took her home.

She’s mine now.

“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”

“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”

– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself

I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.

NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:

You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay

ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*

FRIEND: Is that… pudding?

“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.

My diet starts in January

of 2027

The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!

8-12yo’s apparently

Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.

Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?

if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that

I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.

A list of fun place names to ask an American to say:

-Worcestershire
-Leicestershire
-Gloucester
-Edinburgh
-Loughborough
-Southwark
-Marylebone
-Reading
-Cholmondeley
-Towcester
-Berwick
-Cirencester
-Salisbury
-High Wycombe
-Chiswick
-Leominster
-Ruislip

i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years