Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
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the girlies are turning into genghis khan
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Science is fun!
#nottrue
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
*seductively eats two tums*
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.