Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”

Nailed it.

I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.

I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.

Classic German Shepherd 😂

*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)

*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!

oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???

When they ask “how was your weekend?” answer “better than yours” & maintain eye contact

My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”

Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy

Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.

Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.

(one hour later)

Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.

Stomach: Gross

“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear

think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me

My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.

*Opens Google*

What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?

When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.

When the stylist spins you back around

nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?

me: laughter

nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-

me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.

Spices were first brought to Western Europe in the Middle Ages. Some of them are still at the back of my cupboard

Me: Screw you, Tuesday!

Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.

The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.

People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”

I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– that one time you tried to get in on the friend group’s riff and your joke bombed so hard that it changed the whole vibe

Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe

4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.

6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.

Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit

Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit

Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!

~later~

5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit

There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door

Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.