[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
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*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
the short answer to this question
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
pls suprot
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.