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Expectations vs. Reality
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Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
girls will be like “i have so much to do” then grabs some snacks and starts watching a 10 part docuseries on serial killers.
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
me in a relationship:
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.