Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
You Might Also Like
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
Mick Jagger and his 8 followers just followed me so I guess it’s my lucky day and this makes 4 Mick Jaggers now the gang’s all here !
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”