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Expectations vs. Reality
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*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
Always the camel, never the toe.
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.