Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
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Wine shopping with my mom is 10% grape variety and 90% “ooohh this one has a pretty label.”
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
they really do be looking like this
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
I could NOT have put it better myself.
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or