Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
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My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
He went from scream to scary movie in seconds😭
So, this is how my day is going. How about you?
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
live footage of daylight savings taking the sun away at 4pm
You don’t use a semicolons correctly; you use a semicolon confidently.
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.