“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
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You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
Got in the car and my 6yo greeted me with “well, well, well, look who’s here.”
This is the only greeting I’ll be accepting from now on.
Just paid £200 for a train ticket. If the inspector doesn’t turn up, I’m going looking for him.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.