Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lucky for them, they’re cute

Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school

I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”

Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?

Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.

I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.

Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe

Me: What do you sell here

Waitress: Just desserts

Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?

Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.

Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?

a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.

*cops finds my loose floorboard*

Cop: What’s under here…

*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*

Me: I’d like my lawyer now.

PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly

Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.

The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”

Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.

The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.

No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.

If you haven’t heard about shorts yet

My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.

realest tweet ever.

Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*

nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.

Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself

No more excuses…

…I’m canceling that gym membership.

I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.

I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.

JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever

ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age

Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.

Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?

Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.

Me: *looks warily at our kids*

Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.

June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok

I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.

I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.