Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
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One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
Ooops wrong house😂😜
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
Not sure it counts as gaslighting, but I’ve spent the past 40 years pronouncing “Orangutan” as “Orangutang” and I’m holding our entire education system responsible.
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids