Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
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Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
*me, drinking my morning coffee in my slippers* I really need to wash some mugs
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
how DARE
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?