Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
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Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
me: hi do you take walk-ins?
groundskeeper at the cemetery: what?
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
Breadcrumbs on mac and cheese be like here let’s sprinkle some carbs on top of these carbs
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
#milo
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it