Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
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“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month