Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
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Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
I’m not one of those who will like or retweet something just because I agree with it. I’ll like a tweet purely for it having 665 likes
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
sweet dreams💖
I told the family that I had to go into work for a few hours but I’m actually just sitting out in the shed eating a bag of Baconators in peace.
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”