Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
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No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
if i honk at this person maybe it will make them a better person
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
the lady who waxes my eyebrows asked me what my favorite local hot dog places are and i got so animated she had to stop working for a second
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
“i miss shittin on people”
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
a McRib killed my tapeworm
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger