Your windows aren’t that tinted that I can’t still see you picking your nose.
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I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
Sidled up to a busker who’d just murdered a Franz Ferdinand song yesterday and whispered “this is exactly how the First World War started”.
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.