Your windows aren’t that tinted that I can’t still see you picking your nose.
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8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
My onlyfans will be $9.99 and for that price I’ll ask if I can come over and hang, let you stress-clean because you don’t want me to see how you actually live, then cancel last minute so you can relax by yourself in your nice clean home. It will be called onlyplans.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
There’s not gonna be a civil war. None of us can afford to take that much time off work
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
Me reminding my kid of all the fun things we did this summer so when he’s asked on the first day of school he doesn’t say “Uhhhh nothing?”
Threatening to send my cat to Ohio if she doesn’t stop shredding my paper towels.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.