Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink

Husband opening his new radar detector…

Me- want me to run by really fast?

Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.

Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*

I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.

Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss

You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.

Me: mic is short for microphone

My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!

The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”

No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.

Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it

The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.

Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”

Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.

You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check

So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.

me: hey how much for the dinosaur

guide: that’s a giraffe

me: how much

guide: the animals aren’t for sale

me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much

guide: those are trees

me: [sighs] how much

I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…

…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.

a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?

7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?

Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet

I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.

“She’d do the same for me”, he said.

Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]

not for long

If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today

Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”

17, “Have u seen my adderal?”

A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.

I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.

Mom Math:

If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?

[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?

[Reviewing my 9-year-old’s Amazon wishlist for her birthday]

Me: I don’t understand what half this stuff is.

9: You don’t have to understand it. You just have to buy it.

Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.

All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”