Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
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Age is just a number that you keep off of Facebook after 35.
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
You know you have a bag of frozen peas in the freezer that looks like this. Don’t lie.
I’m so lazy I let my battles pick me
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
Woke up against my better judgement again
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.