Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
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I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
I’m at the farmers market- anybody need any farmers?
Got upgraded to first class for the first time ever and it’s CRAZY. Free booze and brunch. Bigger TVs. Comfy seats with tons of room. An extra page in the safety manual that says in the case of a crash landing we’re entitled to eat the passengers in coach
Drilling for oil is well boring.
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
LOL
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
Mountain Goat : )
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
Very funny that the new Batman movies are rated PG-13 but the Penguin HBO series isn’t so in context it just looks like everyone is too polite to curse around Batman
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”