Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Sitting down at a restaurant]

Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.

i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs

[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands

Me reminding my kid of all the fun things we did this summer so when he’s asked on the first day of school he doesn’t say “Uhhhh nothing?”

Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice

I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.

I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies

skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say

me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd

Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.

If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.

– inventor of steel

Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift

To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.

How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?

Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.

Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.

Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job

My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.

I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.

Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?

Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!

give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.

I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic

Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.

Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?

Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.

if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship

Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.

Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!

Me: I didn’t mean for you.

I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.

“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool

my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents

Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?