You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
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Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk