You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
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I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
Instagram is going to be wild when Millenials start scheduling their colonoscopies.
The two types of wives
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”