Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.

*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*

me: thanks for letting me work from home

boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home

Loan Officer: And the reason for the loan?

Me: I need printer ink.

Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.

You’re welcome.

[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?

[making tennis equipment at 3AM]

neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket

Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.

Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.

ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no

If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old

dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot

that’s just… not what monogamy means??

Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:

7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind

Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?

Tequila, I’m looking at you.

For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.

How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.

My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.

How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.

Before Fatboy Slim was an international DJ he was a chef for William the Conqueror.

He was a Norman Cook.

Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE

Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.

Table for one, please.

Ma’am, your family is right behind you.

I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift

If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”

There’s been a lot of false alarms at the coal mine today. Maybe we should get a canary instead of a possum

I hate gender stereotypes.

Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.

Turns out they don’t like whisky.

Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.

Mechanic: For how long?

Me: Just until I’m done turning.

Mechanic:

To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.

Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.