Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”

I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate

Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals

Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum

2017: It can’t get worse than this

DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment

My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.

I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask

[first day on a new job]

Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.

Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.

[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me

7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?

ME: slowly

7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?

Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late

Biden: I gave him the wrong address

Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect

Biden: idgaf what they call him

The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.

Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you

Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?

Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself

This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”

May or may not have just made a move on my best friend of a year by saying “what’s a little bouncing on it between friends” and I may or may not now be responsible for planning a date

If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further

I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.

If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.

Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy

left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird

Friend: any plans for the fall?

Me: do you meant autumn or civilization?

TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*

genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud

When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”

Play the long game? You mean Monopoly?

Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.

Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing

Also me: runs into everybody I know

Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika