Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.

My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep

Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind

6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?

WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?

ME: *climbing in* I can try

Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?

Astronomer: No, comet.

if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?

Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.

It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.

[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home

me: this hotel is $100 per night?

clerk: that’s right

me: how much for just one room

The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our dachshund is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.

a friendship and a fart have a lot in common, both have the potential to turn into something bigger

Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.

Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”

The Salad:

Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.

[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck

It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.

Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.

Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around

So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.

Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.

Passed by an electrician’s truck that said “No job, too small” with the comma… sorry little buddy 🥺

me: I always sleep naked

flight attendant: no

If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge

this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route

Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself

If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.

Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.

Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.

Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.

9yo: what kind of place is Centerfolds?

me: um, I think it’s a place to practice, like, folding stuff.

9yo: like clothes?

me: no they don’t have clothes there.

Me: [gets coffee]

News: [election updates]

Me: [adds vodka to coffee]

(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here