Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Customize Your Wedding.

My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…

If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.

AC/DC will always be on today’s rock and roll stations because they’re literally current.

Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it

BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU

ME: [wakes up] finally

BOOGEYMAN: what?

ME: let’s do this

BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it

ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour

BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]

How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary

[A field]

*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*

No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.

An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.

My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.

when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:

I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.

It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.

Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.

I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

The dead guy in my trunk?

Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?

Serving time in more than one prison is polyslamory.

Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing

I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”

I have a colonoscopy today. Yesterday, I started my prep. Haven’t ate anything in over 24 hours and drank all the laxative. It’s been a long 24 hours so far of just hanging out in my bathroom.

Just checked my phone and realized my colonoscopy is actually July 12th and not June 12th…..

I hate myself

Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”

GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE

Marked safe from having the gene that causes people to maniacally clean their house when they find out that someone is coming over to visit. I cannot say the same is true for my wife.

Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.

Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio

[their last appetizer]

Her: I don’t want it. You have it.

Him: I don’t want it either, you…

Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it

them: it’s carl with a K

me: oh ok hi cark

After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit

I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC