Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.

Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes

ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]

This is niece.

I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.

Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.

Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.

Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.

Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.

Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?

Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨

my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store

Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!

please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.

Oh my god

Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.

doing some research

What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?

Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.

I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”

[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me

Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names

If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.

Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready

The same kid right beside me:

i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times

Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit

[texting friend]

me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad

friend: oh man

me: now she’s texting my mom

friend: OH MAN

if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools

Husband: what’s on your mind babe
Me: that someone made up dinosaur sounds without actually hearing them
Husband:

*First Date*

Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.

*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.

Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”

I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑

Her: I’m leaving you

Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?

Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.

Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?