You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
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Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*