Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”

I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time

Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.

Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job

My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?

Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.

Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.

No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.

*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win

“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”

– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip

Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island

Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.

John: There are places…

Paul: I remember

George: All my life, though…

Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you

Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.

Oh you won a gold medal at the Olympics? My watch just congratulated me for standing up

it’s so important to spend hours reading various product reviews across multiple sites before saying “yeah fuck it this one” and buying whatever you happen to be looking at around 2 am

when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down

1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life

DATE: how do you know that

*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET

Wife: you need to prepare the turkey

Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you

Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*

facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once

*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!

I remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. He shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”

Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins

Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.

[ Quarantine week 2 ]

We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.

Nice try Hitler

Pizza Hut: May I take your order?

Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?

Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.

Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy

Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}

M: Nearly done now

C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}

M: All finished

C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}

M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles

The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma