Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?

Me: ok, but no tongue

Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.

I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.

forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this

A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.

[Titantic sinks]

Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?

Rose: [door lock noise]

Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:

8am: breakfast

8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap

6:30pm: dinner

7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep

The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.

Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day

[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD

Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up

“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.

I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug

If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping

Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.

Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore

Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.

I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.

We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.

Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating

Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.

What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought

Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?

Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.

My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.

Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices

Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.

INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?

ME [clever] no

i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud

If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.

You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed