Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.

a gay boyfriend is kinda like a brother you have sex with

I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.

I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”

Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”

Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.

Hear me out:

Brunch where pajama attire is required.

Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.

Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.

COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?

ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average

Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.

Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.

There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.

Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.

JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.

Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”

Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”

Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question

😩😩😩

My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.

Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?

Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?

Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.

God: you hate the moon.

Wolf: why?

God: he stole your girlfriend.

Wolf: I have a girlfriend?

God: not anymore.

Wolf: because the moon-

God: -stole her yes.

Wolf: I hate the moon.

God: I know.

Wolf: I just miss her so much.

God: let it out.

Wolf: [takes a deep breath]

gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now

me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*

Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.

Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!

What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!

When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!

Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…

interviewer: how would u describe yourself

me: unemployed

“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness

“I think I have Ebola.”

“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”