Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?

The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!

I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.

[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this

[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician

The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.

*at party*

Guy: Want to dance?

Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.

Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue

i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain

i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead

The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there

Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?

When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace

My 7yo with someone she just met, “My mom has a dairy allergy, and my dad has a kidney stone. It’s gonna hurt when he pees it out.”

I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.

Me: How do I beat the bully?

Dad: Just punch him

Me: I am not doing that

Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him

Me: So like an uppercut?

Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.

I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.

You know I’m all about that bass,

‘Bout that bass…

friend: look how big my new plant is getting!

me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has

Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie

We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!

Pedant: Actually…

[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]

*receives text from wife

“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.

Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.

Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.

A new gel is being developed that could coat your stomach and stop you from getting intoxicated. It’s like the old saying “Gel before beer, you’re in the clear! Beer before gel, wait what the hell?”

My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.

“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”

“Kids, I found a campsite!”

Me: they’re my service bees

Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you

Me: they’re trained