You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
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dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
My girlfriend is the square root of -100.
She’s a 10, but imaginary
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
Bring back the McRib
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
If, I, want to, put, a comma, there, then, I will put, the comma, there.
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.