You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
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My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
getting old is fun
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again
The perfect job for me would be the person staining things for detergent commercials.
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
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.
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I still have Pringles?
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.