You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
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It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
Right now somebody’s therapist is hearing about YOU
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
I think the cat got the dog high.
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.