Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.

Saying it, is just words.

Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.

Natural selection at its finest

Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.

Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4

3 year old: Lion Gaurd!

5 year old: 5!

So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.

My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.

when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture

CONCERT

AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!

what’s the point then??

So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.

Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.

*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??

my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no

If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.

Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.

Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.

Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.

Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.

Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?

Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands

If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.

Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”

Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.

Job interview…

HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.

Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf

Are these grass-fed oranges?

For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.

Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.

WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again

ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?

BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.

DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.

LANA: Guys, can we play different game?

[arriving in hell]

him: so what did you do?

me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea

I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!

but nooooo, he’s still alive

Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.